What's Wrong With Me?

I watch people around me drink the same way I do but they don’t get wasted like me. There must be a trick, some secret or learned way of drinking that I haven’t figured out yet, but I will. I’ll try beer instead of vodka. I’ll try eating more before I drink. I’ll find a way—there must be a way. It’s not like I’m a drunk or something! I’ve never lost a job, I’ve never gotten a DUI, I never drink in the morning. If I was an alcoholic, I wouldn’t be able to say that. This is simply a matter of getting a grip on drinking, figuring out the way to do it.

Welcome to one of the many scripts that ran through my head before I got sober. They varied a bit here and there, but they all led to the same conclusion—I could not accept that I was an alcoholic. I was diligent and smart enough to accomplish many other achievements, so I thought it was just a matter of time before I figured out how I could keep drinking. Well, it was a matter of time.

My drinking became dangerous and destructive. All the things I told myself in the scripts couldn’t stand up to the mess I had created. I ran out of people to blame and I ran out of new ideas for my “strategy.” I had tried everything within myself but I never asked for help. When I finally asked for help, I found the way. And I haven’t had a drink since.

Virgilio, 32

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Tuesday, 19 June 2018
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